I just checked my hard drive information to see how many photos I’ve taken and videos I’ve shot since I started University last year. I have more than 25,000 files. That does not include the thousands of files I’ve deleted as I edited my photos and went through my clips.
I might need a break.
Money bows
To no feelings
No cries of “Stop!”
Money is immortal
It holds court as King
It will be
Even when you cease to.
Detachment from the self
That must be
Where heaven lies
Where man is exalted.
One thing’s for sure: I cannot operate in a state of depression. Throw other constraints at me, and I might find a way to work around them. But when I’m cursed with a spell of sadness, any attempts to save myself by rationalizing things are more or less a waste of energy. The mind takes a back seat and other faculties take control.
Well,
Tomorrow is another day.
Is that all it took?
I took out some seldom-used speakers out of a drawer and put some Phoenix on iTunes. I opened the curtains, for the first time in a long time. I do sound weird, yes.
But the two now work hand in hand to create an amazing environment for me, easily offsetting the constraints of my small room – now an amazing creative environment. I have (what I think is) the curvature of the earth at my window, and see a great network of people, not at all from a 1:1 point of view, but from a great overlooking one. The music makes it all feel slightly more like a movie. I’m now both feeling marginally less lonely, and feeling more like I can create!
The little things can change a lot! Here’s to all the creative output I will make for the next year!
A few Fridays ago, I went back to school after what was almost a whole week of suspended classes all over Manila due to a storm (sadly, now a yearly occurrence). I was excited to finally go to class again, even if I only had only one class scheduled then (Macroeconomics). I found out upon entering the school that our class was suspended for the day, because the power in the main building was out. I figured it was due to the storm, and it would be a temporary setback.
But my guess turned to be a severe underestimation of the situation (though it was just a hunch, after all). It turned out that the transformer of the building literally exploded, and according to one of my professors, could possibly have burned the whole thing down. Though the building remained completely intact, the power will remain out until after a few more weeks. All classes are thus making do with rooms in the library building and a classroom in the College of Law.
The following Wednesday, my classmates and I found ourselves in the alumni association’s meeting room. It’s probably sized around half, more or less, our regular classroom. Our professor thus did not further need the services of a microphone (which tended to stop working at arbitrary points of the lecture), as her voice was then ample for the room. And somehow, that lecture and succeeding ones seemed to be much more enjoyable and/or engaging.
Thinking about it during one class day, I realized that perhaps the lectures seemed more engaging because they actually felt less like lectures, and more like discussions. While lectures involve an speaking continuously on a certain topic, to a group of people from some hypothetical pedestal of knowledge and power, discussions are more of exchanges between individuals on equal footing. Though the level of class participation did not drastically increase in the new venue, the overall feel of it was, to me, very different. Our professor’s distance from us greatly reduced, as was the gaps among us students, and the space change alone felt more conducive to a discussion format. In turn, the “pedestal” was dissolved, and there was a lesser sense of hierarchy in the classroom from a political point of view. The acquisition of knowledge was less solely determined by the knowledge the professor was able to impart, but then also involved the students more. This still acknowledges that there are big differences in the amount of knowledge between student and professor, of course. But the change in methods as a result of a change in structure turned out better in the end for us.
Professors would thus probably be more effective in keeping the attention of students if they also dissolved this subconsciously perceived pedestal. This involves getting the class more involved, not just by asking questions similar to the ones they will eventually ask in exams (which also imply a sense of hierarchy, with students proving themselves worthy of a professor by reaching his academic standards, reflected in a final grade), but by engaging the students through more personal conversations. That would have the 2 parties having more collaboration towards the end goal of learning.
Looking broadly, I’d think this approach would apply not just to those in the academe, but to all individuals involved in a sort of leadership position that implies a sort of hierarchy, such as public servants. There would be a greater chance at goal and priority alignment, as well as greater understanding of all the constraints and possibilities of achieving said goals. It also goes beyond leadership in terms of knowing how to get things done, but who the people you are doing these things for are in the first place. The overall theme, really, is on working together at the same level.
If only this sort of structure did actually exist in other realities. It’s not even going to last forever in my little four-unit class. Inevitably, I will be flung back into either a large classroom, one with a professor who would never match names to our faces, or some combination of both. This may be the case or norm in many other classes, but it would be the shame if we students let these persist in our other groups and in all other things we involve ourselves in.
Time surely flies! It feels as if the week had just started yesterday, but today marks the end of another academic week. Relief.
—
There really is something about the ends of my waking hours daily, those hours close to bed time, that turns me into almost a new man (temporarily) (mentally). Is it decreased brain power? Fatigue? Tire from academic rigor? Some combination of those and other unknown factors? I am mostly clueless. It’s a sort of cycle, having 2 general trains of thought: one that tries to be cerebral, to be logical, and another that lets emotions and romanticism take the reins.
And it’s the latter “mode” that has fueled my writing for the past few years. Most of my poetry was written at night, I believe. There just seems to be a sort of mystical air to this time of the day. There’s also always a sense of relief to it. I tend to let go of trying to micromanage myself and trying to choose the most optimal actions for myself at any given time, given my limited time. I worry less, analyze less, and somehow, I enter a different realm of seeing. I begin to “see” abstractions and create symbols for all types of experiences.
People who share this same cycle (I’d like to believe there are a lot of them out there) probably make worse objective decisions for themselves at this time. But by always entering this “phase” of sorts, I am constantly reminded that the “value” of our actions is not measured solely by objective benefits and costs. Sometimes, costs can be offset in another way: by means of self-actualization.
I’d love to wear flip-flops to school everyday. They almost eliminate a piece in the puzzle of matching clothes.
I can’t believe I just made a rambling sentence on matching clothes. Since when did that ever matter to me?
In my head, I have known the answer (college), but it’s only hitting me now. These things matter to me, along with other human notions of image. I’ve been introduced to a culture that links a part of self worth to the clothes you wear. In my head, my ideal self is a man detached from material goods as a symbol of status, of many many things. I’d like to believe that that is the ideal self of many people.
But culture makes this very far from reality, and a very hard thing to achieve. How easy is it really to detach from technology and other material goods nowadays? Far from it.
I am disgusted thinking that I not only worry about my clothes, but also link the clothes of other people to many other things that I have no true rational proofs to ever assume. To think I’m studying in a university where people will tell you that it’s okay to wear anything (as long as it’s decent). But the influence that has pervaded and surrounded me says otherwise.
This is probably something I should write about further.
The only way I believe any man can achieve “perfect” control over himself is to have 2 things: absolute self-awareness and discipline. The latter is probably easy to understand, as self-control over anything, may it be one’s diet or work ethic, requires discipline. But what does “absolute” self-awareness imply?
It assumes that one understands his behavior as a product of influences, of past actions and choices, as well as fully understands the weight and gravity of any future action. I think one should be able to go deep enough to explain why he tends to do certain things in terms of specific events in his life, and should be able to view himself from two different views: his own, and from others. As we used “absolute”, that in itself would entail a clear grasp of culture and context, and of how others think and perceive things.
But being able to see on a personal level is, in itself, a difficult feat. What more trying to view from the lens of others?
Well, should it matter? These are one of those thoughts where I, in the end, conclude that in aiming for “perfection”, reaching it may be nigh impossible, but aiming towards it has a lot of merit. Having greater self-awareness through reflection and constant evaluation, as well as feedback from others, can lead to better relationships, a healthier lifestyle, and ideally, more understanding towards other people.
I’d say in closing that (assuming away any extreme cases) this sort of mindset affords everyone each other’s benefit of the doubt during any misunderstandings. Some actions involve a lot of context and history and don’t necessarily represent the person’s true self. Having this sort of sensitivity leads to compromise, to achieving middle ground in what tends to be a world that operates on two polar ends.
But, until something causes some sort of drastic, impossible behavioral change, these hypothetical persons will remain men from an imagined utopia.
There is a sanctuary in introversion.
It has been a battery of academics and extra-curriculars. I find myself having little time to take a breather, something I awfully need. I’ve been spending a lot of time not just reading page after page of different textbooks and setting up photoshoots and doing a little bit of journalistic work on the side, but dealing with a lot of different people. Why am I including the “dealing with people” part? Well, I’d like to believe my inner introvert has been far too tired out, far too stretched.
Somehow, this year in university, I’ve felt as if there is a lot of pressure for me to break the “barrier” of introversion by actively getting to know and hanging out with people, and perhaps “forcing” myself to at times has gotten me to fumble at the “task” of it. Or maybe people just have been simultaneously acting odd lately. I’ll leave it at a mix of both.
It’s far from being a bad thing, being with a lot of human beings. In fact, these probably have been some of the happiest months of my life largely because of the people seated near me in classrooms and during organization meetings. But I do end up sorely needing much more time to do things alone without being in a state of worry or feeling unproductive. I’d love to go read some non-academic literature, go out on my own on the streets to take photographs, spend days creating vector illustrations or playing some one-player video games, things that are greatly “lone wolf-y” (my vocabulary is running short).
Throw in some family time in the mix, and maybe, internally, a lot more things would be brought back in balance.
The Plan: Run! 